The annoyance factor

Alright. So we haven’t had a good list of the things that irritate Christine lately, and I think now is as good a time as any to get one of them going. This, however, is going to be the all-inclusive list. Numbered and everything. Only to be added to, not to be detracted from. So, some of these may be repeats of past annoyances, but they need to be put into the official list for posterity. This is going to be a long one, folks, and you know that if I say it’s going to be long, then it’s going to be a beast. Alright, warning put out there, purpose put out there, here we go- the official list.

1. People that say “Oh! I love that song!” and then proceed to mumble out the verses and scream the chorus. I don’t care that you don’t know the song. Truth be told, I probably don’t care if you like it or not. I do, however, care that you proclaim to love something that you have no idea about. I don’t think you’re cool. And the fact that you try and make up for your ignorance by belting out the super catchy chorus that any two-year old could pick up on just annoys me further.

2. People that claim to hate something they’ve never done. You don’t hate it. You don’t even know what it is. Either try it and hate it, or don’t try it and don’t have an opinion.

3. People that hit on people that are ridiculously out of their league, and then are shocked when it doesn’t play out the way they want it to. It was never going to work out. I respect aiming for the fence; I do, but please spare me.

4. When people say they hate liars, cheaters and fakes. Of course you do. Everyone does. It’s like saying you hate when people pour alcohol into your wound. I do not think you’re taking a stand for something or sticking up for yourself. I think you’re stating an obvious fact. And, shockingly, stating an obvious fact doesn’t impress anyone.

5. A LOT. It’s two words. Enough said.

6. “Wild and Out”, the Nick Cannon show on MTV. I hate it. Vehemently. No one on the show is funny, and no one in the world can possibly think it’s funny except the audience that has either been drugged, or clinically determined insane.

7. Don’t even get me started on “Yo Momma”. It’s always on. In three hour spurts. Flanked by “Wild and Out”.

8. Being loud does not make you right or your opinion any more valid.

9. People that don’t speak English and then get offended that I don’t know their native tongue. I don’t care if you speak the language I speak, but I refuse to believe that because the world won’t speak my language that it lies on my shoulders to learn the languages of the world. Personally, I think we should revert back to grunts and points. But that’s just me.

10. The fact that when you’re little the only crayons they give to you are the super big ones. No wonder my flower spanned the entire length of the paper: my crayon was an inch in diameter and three inches tall. What kind of great art was I expected to produce?

11. While we’re on annoyances of the young: Parents, please take control of your children. If they cannot be controlled, don’t take them into public so they can run into my legs. And if your child, beyond any comprehensible reason actually runs into my legs, full force, leaving unknown bruises, don’t just laugh and try and convince me it’s cute. It isn’t cute. It’s obnoxious.

12. Bad kissers. I don’t need to mention technique or form, but no one likes to have their face raped. The end.

13. Guys getting freaked out by a girl’s period. Alright men, here’s the deal: it’s going to happen. Once a month. For a very long time. In this time, it would behoove you to just give us a little space. It’s nothing to be scared of, but it would be a good idea for you to think twice before you go being retarded. And please, give us a little credit… You try bleeding for a week straight and not dying, we’re entitled to a little rush of estrogen.

14. There. As in, the dog is over there. Their. As in, their dog is a pest. They’re. As in, they’re leaving because they have a pest for a dog. Please, please, please be mindful of that.

15. People that tell stories that start nowhere, go nowhere, and end nowhere. And if they can manage to speak in a completely monotonous tone the entire time and laugh hysterically for reasons that defy logic randomly throughout their tirade, all the better.

16. Puns. Not funny. Ever. For any reason.

17. The “How do I know you?” game. I don’t know how you know me. You probably don’t. But for some reason, you ask, and we have to play this weird guessing game in which I mention every school, meeting, job, and social gathering I’ve ever attended, and every person I’ve come in contact with over the past 5 years. This game has a 95% failure rate, and the other 5 is shaky at best.

18. People with no medical condition who breathe loudly. Why do you do this? Is it some odd ploy to attract attention? Because it works. And I hate it. And it makes me wonder what could possibly be happening inside your respiratory tract that would cause that perpetual noise. And if that’s not bad enough, 9 times out of 10, I’ll come up with a not-so-clever nickname that will define you for the entirety of our relationship.

19. The phrase “You betcha”.

20. Putting a carton of milk, juice, soda, etc. back In the refrigerator if it doesn’t have enough liquid left in it to fill another glass. This is obnoxious all the time, but especially so when the carton isn’t transparent, so you can’t see that there isn’t anything in there, and so you get your heart set on whatever’s in that carton only to be disappointed. Ugh.

21. Take responsibility for your actions. If you’re grown-up enough to make a decision, then you’re grown-up enough to live with the consequence. Every action has a reaction. It’s a law of physics. Get used to it.

22. The yogurt chain 21 Choices. Everyone says it’s delicious, and that might possibly be the case; however, it’s a deliberate knock off of 31 Flavors, and so I won’t eat there. Be original. If you have great yogurt and a high-traffic geographic location, then you can call yourselves just about anything and people will eat there, you don’t have to be annoying.

23. On the subject of off-brands, I don’t care if something is a knock-off, I really don’t. That being said, if you’re going to be a knock-off, do not name yourself something that makes you sound like the child no one loves. Dr. Pepper: love it. Dr. Skipper or Dr. Thunder: Want to throw it at someone. Mountain Dew: May not be my favorite, but I will choose it every time when put against Mountain Breeze. I have more respect for the Safeway brand sodas that are just called “Cola” or “Orange”. I don’t ask that you be original, I just ask that you not be preposterous.

24. People who question how I spend my money. Do I owe you any money? No. Do you fund my excursions? No. Then you have no right to tell me how you think I should be spending the money I make, end of story.

25. When people go out and they’re in a bad mood. It’s not my fault that you decided to get all riled up before you left your house, and I’d appreciate it greatly if you not infect me with your foul disposition.

26. If you think it’s necessary to go out to eat, and you have fairly decent service, tip your server. If you can’t afford to tip, you have 2 options, and they are as follows: Don’t go out, or order something less expensive. The only thing more irritating than that is if you clearly have enough money to tip, and you just decide not to. If your bill is $25 and you pay me with a hundred dollar bill, and I know that you had good service and you leave me $2, you are irritating.

27. People who try and give me their number. I may be old fashioned, but I think it’s the boy’s job to call the girl. If you want to get to know me, it’s your job to balls up and ask for my number.

28. “My friend thinks you’re cute”. Your friend is either ridiculous or 8 years old. Either way, not interested.

29. If something smells funny, do not ask me to try it. Here’s a tip: if your milk smells like it’s gone sour, it probably has. You don’t need first hand knowledge of this fact, and if you do, you can drink it. I don’t want to drink your sour milk.

30. Two words: Nipple shoes. You know the ones. They aren’t quite flats because they have these obscene tiny heels that serve absolutely no purpose except for to disturb me. And when I say, “disturb”, I mean, “activate gag reflex”.

31. When you’re stopped at a red light, and you need to turn right, and there’s a singular car in front of you, and they’re going straight so you can’t move. Ugh.

32. Don’t tell me you don’t know what you want. Everyone knows they want. Whether or not what they want is possible is another story, but everyone at their core knows what they want. Come up with another excuse.

34. The pot roast dinner at BJs. It’s a piece of fat marbled with meat, and it’s repulsive.

35. Food that looks like it did when it was still alive. I take great issue with eating something I’m tempted to name.

36. Women who blame men for the pressure they have to be beautiful. Any pressure that is felt for being aesthetically pleasing comes from you. It does not come from men, or magazine covers, or any number of anorexic models you want to compare yourself to. I wear make-up because I want to look better. It isn’t because I think that I’ll be ousted from society and sent to live with the lepers if I don’t. And if you’re with someone who makes you feel like they wouldn’t like you if your appearance changed, then you hang out with douche bags. End of story.

37. Celebrities have no more political say than I do. Just because their job consists of being in the public eye does not mean that they know how to run the country. It does not mean that what they say means more than anyone else, and it does not make their words more valid than anyone else’s who wakes up in the morning and reads the newspaper. If I didn’t ask for your opinion, don’t give it to me. And, sorry Kanye, hate him as you may, I’m fairly confident that George Bush did not send Hurricane Katrina because he hates black people. But that’s just me. I’ve been wrong before.

38. When I call you, never answer the phone call with “Wow. You actually called me back” or “Never thought I’d see the day this would happen” or anything along those lines. Because when you answer my phone calls with interrogation, it makes me want to never call you again. In fact, it makes me want to say, “Oh man. Wrong number. I obviously had no intention of calling you. I really should take care of those duplicates in my contact list”

39. I hate, loathe, and despise awkward silence. This is why I tend to fill the awkward silence with awkward talking. This usually makes things worse, but at the same time makes me feel much more comfortable.

40. People who call me in the morning without specific instructions to do so. Do you hate me? Because if you’re not dead or dying, then I hate you. I will have an entire conversation with you that I will never remember having, I will agree to just about anything to get you off the phone, and when I’m actually coherent enough to remember that you may have called, I will hate you all over again.

41. Don’t eat my food. Just don’t do it. I’ve killed for less. Using nothing more than a straw and my fist.

42. The fact colored pencils don’t erase. The entire purpose of a pencil is its erasing capability. Apparently colored pencils didn’t get the memo. Call yourselves something else, colored pencils, because if you can’t erase, then you’re no good to anyone.

43. On the subject of coloring, why in God’s name does the 96 pack of crayons have repeats in there? It makes absolutely no sense, and it’s a bold faced lie for those children who want to have a 96 color experience. You can’t, poor child, because you see, us moguls here at Crayola have decided to trick you by putting burnt sepia in there twice. And cobalt. They should call it 79 colors plus some repeats to fill the box. At least then they’d be honest.

44. People that call you, and then call you 2 seconds later from a restricted number hoping they've tricked you. First off, if you think I'm that retarded, don't be my friend. Leave me in a ditch to die because I've outlived my purpose. Secondly, what is your best-case scenario for that? I answer? Then I think you are a douche bag who isn't worth talking to, AND I'm retarded.

45. When people call you and say nothing. And then proceed to get you when you have nothing to say. It is not my job to fill your brain. Go do something. Read a book. Climb a tree. Roll around in dirt. I don’t care.

46. If someone is nice enough to hold the door open for you, or do some other random act of kindness, it is our job as human beings to thank them for it. It doesn’t take much, and ungrateful people infuriate me like no other.

47. I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention (or just scroll back up and re-read it, I guess that’s always an option, too), if you read a chain letter, and a lightning bolt strikes the power lines outside your house making it impossible to repost in 5 minutes, alien babies will not storm your house and kill you in your sleep. Your best friend will not slap you in the face and move to Alaska. It is not the reason that you will never have sex again. You will never have sex again because you are so preoccupied with sending out ridiculous bulletins telling people what color jelly bean you are and why.

48. I don’t care how many times you’ve seen a movie. You are never, under any circumstances allowed to talk simultaneously along with the dialogue. Or even worse, saying every line 3 seconds before the actor does. I get it. You’ve seen the movie. And I’m super impressed. And while this may not be the last time you watch this particular film, I can guarantee you it will be the last time you watch any sort of movie with me.

49. When I go up to a table, ask what they want to drink, and they look at me like I just asked them what they think about the conflict in Iraq. You’re out to dinner. Along with dinner, most people like to drink something. This is not unusual. Get used to it, stat.

50. Never, under any circumstances, is it okay to replace the word “easy” with “e-z”.